


Vanilla

by LuckyWantsToKnow



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: #EFAFicChallenge2019, EFA Fic Challenge 2019, Excessive donut references, F/F, Unicorns, Vanilla Dipped Donuts, Wayhaught - Freeform, toothpaste
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 13:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17746508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyWantsToKnow/pseuds/LuckyWantsToKnow
Summary: A comedy of errors in which Wynonna runs out of toothpaste and borrows Waverly's without asking.





	Vanilla

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bootsncatz (bootsncatz)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bootsncatz/gifts).



It was late by the time Wynonna staggered into the Homestead after returning home from Shorty’s. Her mouth was sour from too much whiskey and not enough water, a late night slice of cold pizza from a box she’d found in the back of her truck pasting garlic across her tongue. Who knew how long it had been there; it was well into rigor mortis, but if it was cold enough to freeze outside Wynonna figured food poisoning wasn’t in her future. Her teeth felt furry and her tongue was thick and awkward in her mouth.

 

“Damnit, Haught,” Wynonna mumbled, as she tripped over the heavy boots by the front door. She fell forward, catching herself on the wall before she hit the floor, shucking her jacket and letting it drop where she stood. “Crap,” Wynonna mumbled, smacking her lips and scraping her tongue across her teeth.

 

Wynonna wandered into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. She pulled out a block of cheese in a plastic tub and cut a fat slice off of it, turning to look into the cupboard for some crackers. Finding none, she shrugged and bit a chunk off the cheese, only to spit it disgustedly into the sink. “Freaking TOFU?” she yelped, then clapped her hand over her mouth, eyes rising to the staircase at the top of which her sister and her sister’s girlfriend were likely deeply asleep. 

 

“At least I hope y’all sleeping,” Wynonna whispered loudly, “because these walls is thin, baby girl!” She laughed drunkenly at her own joke, tossing the rest of the tofu into the sink and giving up on snacks. She sat down hard on the couch and unzipped her boots, tossing them unceremoniously over her head to the vicinity of the front door, then padded barefoot into her bathroom, grimacing at the bright light when she hit the switch, then peering groggily at herself in the mirror. 

 

Wynonna grabbed her toothbrush and reached for the toothpaste. Nothing. With difficulty, she focused her eyes on the sink area, then looked on the small table covered in toiletries that she kept next to the sink. No toothpaste. A quick glance at the trash can located the tube, twisted and flat, and she recalled with a groan how she’d used it up that morning. “Well shoot,” Wynonna huffed, dragging herself upstairs to steal some toothpaste from Waverly. 

 

At the top of the stairs, Wynonna paused, peeking into her sister's bedroom. She scowled a little at the soft, warm feeling she got when she noticed Nicole’s arm flung over Waverly, their fingers interlaced and their soft breathing in perfect time with each other. “You’d better,” she mumbled to Haught in warning, moving as quietly as her drunken state would allow into Waverly’s bathroom. Despite her efforts, she bashed into the doorframe and stood stock still, clutching her bruised forehead, as Nicole muttered and pulled Waverly closer. Wynonna continued her mission. Without turning on the light, she groped along the sink until her fingers bumped a familiar shaped tube. Unscrewing the cap, she squeezed a small amount onto her brush, then replaced everything and made her way downstairs as quietly as possible. 

 

Wynonna brushed her teeth absentmindedly, trying to remember if she’d won any money during the trivia night she’d attended. The topic that night was card games and she was pretty sure Doc had drained her dry. Wynonna snickered at the thought, spluttering through a mouthful of weirdly slick toothpaste. Pulling the brush from her mouth, Wynonna ran the tip of her tongue over her teeth. They felt squeaky clean and she had to admit, the vanilla flavor of the toothpaste was appealing in a way she couldn’t quite place. She rinsed and spit, tossing her toothbrush down on the side table. With a final probing of her tongue, Wynonna breathed out into her cupped palm and her stomach rumbled reflexively. “Probably one of those no-animal-testing-made-with-the-consent-of-the-plant cosmetics.” With a shrug, she shut the light, jumped into bed, and was asleep almost the minute her head hit the pillow. 

 

###

 

“Jeeesus, baby,” Nicole managed, flopping a forearm over her head and staring limply at the ceiling. Waverly crawled up her body and settled against her, chuckling softly. 

 

“You like that?” Waverly asked, stroking light fingers across Nicole’s ribcage.

 

“I really, really do,” Nicole replied.

 

“Well you taste so. Damn. Good.” Waverly smirked, punctuating each word with a kiss to Nicole’s shoulder.

 

“Like vanilla dipped donuts?” Nicole laughed, pulling a giggling Waverly on top of her.

 

“They’re my favorite!”

 

###

 

“Anything else?” Waverly asked, pushing the shopping cart towards the front of the grocery store. 

 

“Yeah, meat, chips, donuts, those little animal cookies with the pink frosting, basically anything that isn’t gluten-free, fat-free, flavor-free or vegan,” Wynonna replied sadly, staring into the cart at an array of fresh fruits and vegetables, and frankly unappetizing products that marketed themselves dishonestly as snacks. She picked up a box of crackers and read the ingredients. “Toasted rye, kibbled soya, brown linseed, salt. I’m thirsty just reading the box.”

 

Waverly laughed. “Ryvita is delicious. This is for your own good, Wy, I’m trying to counteract the effect of your whiskey-and-donuts diet on your body.” 

 

“Speaking of donuts!” Wynonna said, snapping her fingers, “you reminded me. I need tampons. And toothpaste.” She strode off towards the side of the store.

 

Waverly shook her head, confused, then stood in the checkout line to wait for Wynonna. Her phone dinged with a text. She smiled at the unicorn emojis adorning her girlfriend’s name and looked at the photo Nicole had sent along with, “ _ We’re going through this like crazy. :) _ ”  Waverly nodded to herself, clicking over to her Amazon app and snickering quietly as she made a quick purchase. 

 

“What’s funny babygirl?” Wynonna asked, tossing a box of tampons in the basket. Waverly clicked her phone off and slipped it into her back pocket, looking innocently at Wynonna. “Huh? Oh, nothing, just a text from Nicole.” She looked at the basket. “No toothpaste?” 

 

Wynonna’s eyes flicked sideways and she busied herself with choosing a pack of gum from the endcap. “Nah, I remembered that I had an extra tube at home.” 

 

“Well I have an extra diva cup at home, when you’re ready to stop using those…” Waverly started, but stalled when Wynonna held a palm up to her face, grimacing in obvious disgust. 

 

“Waverly, I love you very much, but between you and Nicole,  _ poor thing _ ,” she muttered under her breath, “the planet is saved enough times to cover me too.” 

 

###

 

Wynonna waited until Waverly had left for work, then snuck up the stairs to her bedroom. She could never admit to Waverly that her probably overpriced, all-natural toothpaste was better in every way than Wynonna’s usual Colgate. But with every use her gums felt healthier, her teeth smoother, and she could swear they were whiter too. 

 

She’d checked the grocery store toiletries aisle, but they didn’t carry this brand. With the cutesy, gay name of the product, Wynonna decided, Waverly probably ordered it online. She rolled her eyes a little, spreading it on her toothbrush. It seemed like Waverly could find every product ever made with “unicorn” in the name. But the fact that it tasted like donuts was what had hooked Wynonna. 

 

Wynonna replaced the cap on the tube and carefully placed it back next to the sink in what she hoped was exactly the same place she’d found it, noting with a pang of guilt that the tube was half gone already. It was just a matter of time before Waverly confronted her with the use, and Wynonna was not prepared for the cascade of natural products that Waverly would be pushing on her next. 

 

“I’ll order some for myself today, I swear,” Wynonna promised herself in the mirror, then ran downstairs to brush her teeth and get ready for her day. 

 

###

 

“Waverly, duck!” Wynonna yelled, firing Peacemaker at the slavering demon who was charging through the snow at them, dressed only in a pair of blue overalls. The demon laughed and ducked between the trees, and a spray of snow showed how close Wynonna was to hitting him. “Shit!” she yelled, running up to her sister and pulling her out of the snowbank she’d dived into. “Are you okay?”

 

Waverly shook snow from her neck and shoulders and turned wide-eyed to Wynonna. “Did you get him?” She looked quickly around them, but the forest was quiet. Wynonna crouched down beside her. “Shhh,” she gestured, one finger to her lips. “That dude is 300 pounds at least. We’re gonna hear him moving.” 

 

For a few minutes the only sound was short huffs of air as Waverly and Wynonna caught their breath. The demon had been exactly where they thought he was hiding, out in the woods where the sound of his banjo playing had lured in many an unsuspecting victim. They’d coaxed him deeper into the wood with Waverly crying out beseechingly like a lost hiker, but he was quicker than Wynonna had expected a creature of his size to be.

 

A soft crunching sound to their right had Wynonna on her feet in a second, Peacemaker pointed in the direction of the sound, Waverly tucked in tight behind her. Wynonna looked wildly around them but saw nothing until she looked up--just in time for a heavy rope net to drop over them both. 

 

They struggled uselessly as the demon approached, and he chuckled a dark sound at the sight of his good fortune. “The heir and the spare,” he grunted triumphantly, “well if today ain’t my lucky day.” 

 

###

 

When Nicole hadn’t heard from Waverly by about four in the afternoon, she started to feel the familiar pangs of worry. She checked her phone again before sighing in resignation. Dating an Earp required a whole other level of trust, and she and Waverly had finally achieved it together. Nicole knew that Wynonna was stalking Billy Redden, a Revenant who’d committed monstrous atrocities before being put down by Wyatt Earp, so when she pulled up Waverly’s phone in her Find My iPhone app, and saw that the location was an area of the forest where Wynonna believed Redden was hiding, she grabbed her hat and headed quickly for her cruiser. 

 

Nicole drove too quickly through the muddy snow on the highway, following the dot on her phone that represented Waverly. If her girlfriend couldn’t text or call her, she must be in trouble, but it was a good sign that her phone was active and moving. That meant whoever had Waverly hadn’t taken her phone or turned it off. 

 

“Hang on, baby,” she said to the empty inside of her car. “I’m coming for you.”

 

###

 

“Ow, jeez,” Wynonna complained as her head hit the roof of the car, again. She was balled up and hog-tied in the trunk of a battered Oldsmobile station wagon that was currently hurtling down a fire road at breakneck speed. “Hey hellspawn, could you please slow this soccer-mombile down a little if you’re not gonna let us have seatbelts back here?”

 

“Shut up!” Redden growled from the driver’s seat, deliberately swerving the car so that Wynonna rolled across the trunk and slammed into a similarly trussed up Waverly. 

 

“Ooof,” Waverly grunted, “Jesus, Wynonna.” 

 

“Sorry, babygirl,” Wynonna whispered, “is the tracker up?”

 

Waverly wriggled around, her phone pressing uncomfortably under her right breast where it was concealed inside her bra. She pressed her face as close as possible to Wynonna so they could talk. “I told Nicole if she didn’t hear from me by four to check my location. Hopefully the cell service out here is good enough for her to find us.” 

 

“Y’all quit talking or I’ll turn ya into jerky!” Redden yelled. 

 

“As if you weren’t going to do that already,” Wynonna retorted. “My sister is vegan so she’ll probably taste like kale chips.” She leaned in to Waverly.  “Even if you smell like vanilla donuts. You’re such a queer stereotype; you’re even starting to smell like your girlfriend.”

 

Waverly blushed hard and sniffed at her fingers, earning an odd look from her sister, but before she could ask, Waverly rolled abruptly away. The car skidded to a sudden halt with an exclamation of surprise from the revenant. A familiar wail moved closer and closer, growing louder by the second.

 

“Gawdarnit, it’s that damned redheaded lady cop!” he yelped, grabbing at a shotgun on the seat next to him and trying to rack a round inside the cramped cab of the car. “Heck! I gotta get out,” Redden babbled, forcing the door open with a loud creak and rolling his bulk outside. 

 

Wynonna sighed in relief. “Haught rides in on her white stallion, once again saving our bacon. Oh, sorry babygirl, saving your...facon? Fake bacon? What the heck do you call that stuff?” 

 

Gunshots rang out from outside the car, and Wynonna and Waverly froze, listening to a scrabbling sound and Redden cursing as he tried to drag himself around the side of the car. A flash of red hair appeared in the side window and Waverly watched as Nicole leveled her pistol and shot, then moved closer and bent over, obviously checking to see if Redden was down. 

 

“Unicorn,” smiled Waverly.

 

“Huh?” Wynonna asked, craning her neck uncomfortably to look at her sister. 

 

“Riding in on her white unicorn,” Waverly corrected.

 

“What is it with you and unicorns?” Wynonna asked, “And vanilla donuts? Even your goddamned toothpaste is donut flavored.” 

 

“My toothpaste is…” stuttered Waverly, awareness dawning on her face.

 

The front door to the car opened, then closed, and the trunk lifted to reveal a relieved looking Nicole. 

 

“There you are baby,” Nicole smiled, reaching for Waverly.

 

“I’m here too,” Wynonna piped up with a tight lipped nod. 

 

“Yep, you’re the reason Waverly’s trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey,” Nicole tossed back. “But I guess I better get you out first.” She held up Peacemaker. “I grabbed this off the front seat. He won’t stay down for long.”

 

Nicole pulled out a pocket knife and quickly sliced through Wynonna’s, and then Waverly’s bonds. Stretching dramatically, Wynonna crawled out of the car, leveled Peacemaker at the now twitching and groaning Revenant and fired. They all watched as a fiery pit opened in the snow, sucking Redden back into hell. 

 

Wynonna whooped, satisfied, then threw an arm around Nicole’s shoulders, leaning in close and sniffing deeply. “I’m starving and either you brought me donuts or you just brushed your teeth, but either way, let’s go eat.” She strode over to the cruiser and climbed inside, leaving Waverly and Nicole in the snow. Nicole looked at Waverly quizzically, who was blushing hard and stifling her giggles, tears rolling down her face. 

 

“Baby,” she said, wrapping her arms around Nicole, “I think I just figured out why we’re going through the Wet Unicorn Donut Lube so fast.” 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to the 2019 EFA fic challenge arose out of one of the many conversations I've had with @bootsandcatz that totally went off the rails, which means it was lots of fun.
> 
> This fic is based on a real lube with a very similar name to the one I have used (the name, ahem). And yes, it's donut flavored.


End file.
